Socially Awkward

I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are introverts, and I am basing this on the amount of blog pieces I have read in the last year that claim, “I am introvert!  Hear me roar (or hear me whisper with my head down)!”  Apparently, being an introvert is not a unique thing.  However, different people give introverts different traits, so after combing through twenty articles, I was so confused about what an introvert actually is that I decided to stop trying to label myself something that sounds so fancy.  I don’t know whether I have the characteristics of an introvert or not.  I think I do.  But I’ll let you decide.

I usually describe myself as socially awkward.  Of course, there is the rarity of “clicking” with someone right off the bat, but I can count on one hand how many times that has happened.  So, in my adult life, making new friends hasn’t been easy. It’s weird to me to just clamber up to someone and say, “Hey, we should be friends” or “Hey-you have kids and I have kids, so that makes us BFFs, right?”  I don’t do forced friendships.  But on the flip side, although I may not introduce myself to every mom in my daughters’ classes at school, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want friendships with these women.  It just means that I find it weird to start a conversation with a stranger who I may or may not have things in common with.  For instance, if I were in a coffee shop reading a book, and across the table, there was a woman reading the same book, I would feel confident that we could have a good conversation.  Of course, I would never in a million years approach the coffee shop woman, but I’m just trying to give you some perspective.  On the other hand, if I were volunteering for craft time in a classroom with another mom, I wouldn’t feel confident that a conversation about Popsicle sticks would end in a very meaningful relationship.  For me, there has to be more than that to feel comfortable talking to someone new.

I’ve had a few people say that prior to getting to know me, they thought I was a complete bitch.  And trust me when I tell you, I definitely can be.  But I promise that I am not intentionally warding people off.  Most of the time, when I am in a room full of women I don’t know, I listen.  Not in a creepy or judgmental way, but in a “this-is-a- decent-conversation and-I-wish-I-had- something- to- add” kind of way.   Instead of adding to the conversation, I may smile, or play games on my phone, or read a book that I almost always have with me.  My point is that I am most definitely not being a bitch.  What I am being is awkward.  Though it’s not my best quality, I’m glad I can own it and laugh about it.

Most of the friendships I have now are with people who were introduced to me through someone I was already friends with.  So, I never really had to step out of my so-called box.  Although they may never have had to get past my social awkwardness, my girlfriends have gotten to know the real me and have decided to stick around.  So, does this make me an introvert?  Weirdo?  Social Leper?  I still don’t know which label truly fits.  But I have learned that with sincere friendship comes the ability to be comfortably social… without the awkward chick lurking in the shadows.

Young Love

My ten year old daughter recently let me know that she had her first crush on a boy.  The crush only lasted three days, after which, she returned to being her old “pre-crush” self, which means she continued pretending to be a cat, reading some of her favorite books, and generally acting like boys have cooties again. While the crush was short-lived, it was a very clear indication that my little girl is growing up.  I have to say that I didn’t think this moment would come for another few years, as she is a very immature ten (if that makes any sense).  But when I thought back to my own childhood, I had my first kiss (not full on making out) in the fourth grade, at ten years old.  So, with that in perspective, I guess she is not as far advanced in that area as I was, and I am a bit relieved.

My daughter has been taught that having a boyfriend is not allowed until she is much older.  Her father definitely holds a much more stringent position on this topic than I do, although I’m not far behind him when it comes to how he feels about it.  The recent “crush” became an issue to an extent, not because my daughter knew that she wasn’t at a dateable age yet, but because she thought her feelings were inappropriate.  When she initially broke the news, she said that she had a “bad thought” about a boy in class.  When she finally revealed that she had a crush, I was a little sad that she thought her feelings were “bad”.  While I had conflicting feelings about telling her that things like dating and kissing should be reserved for a boy in the very far future, I wanted her to know that having feelings about someone is okay.  The fact that she thought it was scary and bad to “like” a boy made me reconsider how to approach bigger topics that come up along these lines.  My point is that I don’t think that projecting my own fears onto my children by telling them of all the scary things about love or sex is doing anyone any good.  At the end of the day, she will feel whatever it is she feels for someone, whether I like it or not.  And because of that, I prefer that she feel confident in her feelings, rather than fearful of my reaction to them.

Young love is often overlooked by adults.  It is brushed off as, “oh, you’re young and have no idea what love is.”  But is that really true?  I remember really being in love in high school.  And that love was pure.  It didn’t have anything to do with what kind of job he had, what kind of car he drove or how much money he made.  Young couples don’t have the responsibilities that come with adult mates.  Young love doesn’t calculate things like whether or not the partner in question will be a good husband or father.  Young love doesn’t judge someone based on anything other than “I like you.  You get me.  Let’s hang out.”  So, in looking at all of the ways adults pick apart the relationships they are in, isn’t young love the purest form of love there is between couples?  Shouldn’t we, as adults, try harder not to diminish the love a young person feels simply because “they are young” and therefore, aren’t mature enough to know what love is?  Somewhere along the way, I think a lot of us lose that ability to truly see a person, and instead, take into account what the person has to offer us or what value the person will have in our future.  As we grow older, we start making lists of the qualities we look for in a partner, and by the time that list is done, we’ve created a version of a Disney prince who will forever exist only in our minds.  It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to try to remember our first loves and take a deeper look at them before judging our daughters and telling them what’s wrong, what’s right, or what’s utterly ridiculous in their teen love lives.

In particular, high school is a time when a lot of teens are feeling insecure.  It’s a time of awkwardness and wanting to fit in. Maybe I was lucky, but my love interests in high school made me feel comfortable, loved and accepted, which are very rare feelings for teenagers.  And all of that was provided by, yep, you guessed it-a boy!  Sexual encounters are bound to happen, even though we, as parents, have instructed our children otherwise.  I don’t want to have fear-induced lectures with my children about sex.  Rather, I hope to have talks with my children that are educational, but most of all, honest.  Do I want my girls to have sex at 16 (or GASP- younger)?  No, not at all.  But if they happen to be in love and make the choice to have sex, I don’t want them to be scared, or feel that they are doing something bad.  I don’t want them to feel “wrong”, like my ten year old did when she had her 3-day crush. 

Will they get their hearts broken?  Probably.  I did.  But I wouldn’t trade my early relationships for anything.  Did I give a piece of myself to certain boys?  Absolutely.  Did I get some crazy STD?  No, because I was properly educated.  I made my sexual decisions based on comfort and love-not on peer pressure or reputation.  I truly hope I can instill that same decision making ability in my girls so that they can make choices that THEY feel good about, regardless of what anyone else, including myself, thinks.

I know my opinion on this matter is most likely not a popular one.  I’ve heard women say that their children aren’t going to have sex until they reach their twenties.  Some women believe their children will follow what their religion teaches and stay virgins until married.  And while I applaud that thought, and hope my children wait to make these types of decisions, I think it’s more important to be a realist and consider the idea that our children’s love lives may not follow our wishes.  I think it’s more important to educate them in a healthy way, rather than a scary way, and hope for the best. 

Of course, my opinion on this may change as my daughters get older.  But I am going to try to make a vow to myself to not dismiss my daughters’ feelings if they happen to have crushes or fall in love at a young age.  I will try to remind myself that young love is pure and simple.  And I will try to remember that the simplicity of high school relationships is something to be valued, because as we all know, relationships only get more complicated with age.  I will also try to take into account that their love interests when they are young may actually be helping them find security and acceptance that is on a completely different level than what I can offer them as a parent.  And maybe that young love will eventually help them find what they want or don’t want in a future relationship. 

Every relationship our children enter, good or bad, will teach them something.  I just want to give them enough information so that they feel good about their choices and will be able to gracefully accept the outcomes.