Monday, June 15, 2015

Does there have to be a spark?

Let’s talk about sex.  

Now, I’m not an expert, but let’s just say that I probably enjoy sex more than the average woman.  Having said that, I tend to do the things I enjoy doing quite frequently.  And this is where I hear vast differences among women.  I recently read an article written with the intention of “how to get the sexual spark back” after having children.  There were tons of comments from women saying how much they could relate to the article and that they were looking for that spark that was there in the very beginning of the relationship.  Ladies, let me be the first to break it to you-to him, there is no spark.  I truly believe that this spark that women refer to is something we conjured up in our own minds.  Now, I can only speak from my own experiences, but from what I can tell, men are ALWAYS ready, willing and able to have sex.  They are never too tired, too busy, too moody, or whatever other excuses women can think of.  Men aren’t wondering where the spark is in their relationships.  And do you know why?  It’s because they ENJOY having sex!  I know.  It’s a very simple concept.  There is no psychology behind it.  They don’t pine over the good ole days wondering where the woman they married has gone.  You know why?  Because to the man in your relationship, the woman they met 5 or 10 years ago is the very same woman he is staring at day in and day out.  And you know what else?  To him, she is just as sexy now as she was then. 

Think about all of the things you really enjoy doing.  For me, spending time with my children, reading a great book, cycling, going out with friends and going shopping are some of the things I look forward to doing on a day to day basis.  For me, sex also falls into this category.  Even though sex is with a partner (most of the time), I treat sex as “me time” – a time to feel good about myself, to feel sexy, to feel experimental, to feel united with the one I love, to feel loved, to feel comforted, to feel relaxed, to feel happy.  Sex gives me all of that and more.  So, why would I ever stop making time for it? In addition to that, why would I try to find excuses not to have it?  I completely understand that life gets busy and you may not be able to have sex every single day, but for me in particular, I never really understood the “spark” excuse. 

If you believe in a magical spark that needs to be ignited in order for you to bring your sexy back, I implore you to stop waiting on your man.  If there is something in particular that you need from him, ASK him!  Trust me, most men will be all too happy to oblige if you have a request that doesn’t involve your need for them to take the garbage out or paint the house.  You have to stop blaming your man and making excuses for why YOU don’t want to have sex. If your relationship has gotten to the point where your man has stopped coming on to you, it just may be because he gets rejected all of the time and is waiting on you to show interest.   Or even worse, some men are getting sex regularly from their women but it feels obligatory because the woman thinks it’s her “wifely duty” to make sure her man climaxes.  News flash ladies-most men would prefer that you are interested WHILE having sex.  It’s kind of a turn off if both parties aren’t into it (or each other).  And just a tip- if you are both waiting on each other for some sort of sexual sign to initiate intercourse, you may wind up with a guy who is more like a roommate than a lover. 

So…the question isn’t about a spark.  The spark is just another excuse for why you don’t feel a sexual connection to your man.  This “spark” is all about YOU and how YOU feel, and most likely how your needs aren’t being met.  It has nothing to do with his feelings.  So, the real question should be, “why the hell am I not enjoying sex anymore?”  Or maybe the question is,”why have I never enjoyed sex?”  And ladies-the only person who can really answer that is you.  Yes, your man can help you figure it all out, but in the end, your needs have to be realized and then vocalized for anything to change.  Imagine loving sex as much as you love shopping or exercising or going to the spa.  Because that’s what it’s like for me.  All I can say is that you should try to remember the good things about sex and let yourself go.  Don’t look at the clock or think about all of the things you have to do while you’re having sex.  Be in the moment and FEEL how awesome it is!  And when it’s over and you have climaxed, be in that moment too.  Because the kind of calm and peace that comes after an orgasm can’t be bought-not even at the spa. 

*This piece was published on BLUNTmoms on June 15, 2015.
*This piece was also published on The Good Men Project on September 2, 2016.