Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Modern Day Super Heroes (Sort Of)

As a kid, I thought heroes were rare creatures born with special powers on planets that I couldn’t pronounce. As I got a bit older, I began applying the term to regular people (dwelling on planet Earth) who make lives better for others. But now that I’m forty, and obviously wiser than I’ve ever been, I now realize that heroes are everywhere.

For instance, the other day, my husband made sure to tell me all about how he remembered to take the garbage out. I mean, move over Thor, right? I should have made my dude a cape right then and there, but instead, I started thinking about the heroes I come across on a daily basis. So, without further ado, here are five of my favorite heroes (not including my husband who is the best garbage taker-outer ever) who could totally use a cape.

These folks have mad super powers:

Hero #1 – I’ll call him Super Fan Dave. This is the guy who obnoxiously predicts every piece of music that will be a number one hit on the radio for whichever band he has claimed to discover. Super Fan Dave knows a band’s songs before everyone else…ever…like even before the record company found the band playing with broken strings, a washboard and a tambourine in a seedy bar in Kentucky. Yup, Super Fan Dave was first, and therefore, he could definitely use a cape.

Hero #2 – Super Maybe Bitch. She is the hero in your life who tragically “suffers” from resting bitch face. These ladies wave their RBF flags high, constantly alerting people to their condition. I’m not sure I get it, as it seems weird to me to flaunt your bitch face, especially if you really are a nice person. Does having RBF make you feel more intimidating or badass? I don’t know. But hey, if it’s something you’re that proud of, maybe you could use a cape.

Hero #3 – Super Worker Bee. This busy insect is the hero who works seventy hours a week (including weekends) and only sleeps for one hour at a time, but somehow still manages to tell the Facebook community about how tired she is. I am guilty of this. Working long hours with only a smidgen of sleep sucks. But telling everyone about it somehow gives me a virtual pat on the back. So yeah, hand me my cape so I can have a nap in it.

Hero #4 – Super Charity Chick. This rare bird thinks it’s a good idea to declare herself a benevolent individual by posting comments ensuring everyone knows she just did a few hours of charity work. Sometimes, she even finds it necessary to tell the world how big her heart is. Okay, so maybe she deserves a cape, but not if she’s going to be all braggy assed about it.

Hero #5 – Super Smarty Pants. This genius is a true hero to me because she has ALL of the answers, ALL of the time. She usually starts sentences that sound something like, “If that were my kid, I would never let her out of my sight.” And it doesn’t stop there. She will also give you real life accounts of what a tragic mistake it would be to allow your kid to ride a bike, play outside or watch gorillas at a zoo without constant supervision. She may even leave you wondering if there is a way to surgically glue your eyes to your kid. Super Smarty Pants is a phenomenon. And since she has life all figured out, she’s probably already wearing a cape.

Sometimes, being surrounded by all of these champions of life can really make me miss the humble heroes of old. But I will not fear. The new version of heroes are here. And they are proudly clogging up my daily newsfeed, one cape-worthy act at a time.

*This piece was published on BLUNTmoms on October 18, 2016.