Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Women Can Be Just As Disastrous As Men

If you’ve ever watched America’s Funniest Home Videos, you know that other than the cute animal and kid videos, about 99% of the “funny” videos aired are of men doing some stupid shit. On this show, you’ll find men racing down slides while on a bicycle, men getting whacked in the balls when landing on a pogo stick, men swinging from a child’s tire swing and breaking the tree branch. You rarely see women trying these ridiculous stunts because we know that the outcome has a high probability of being disastrous, and we simply don’t want to make asses out of ourselves.

However, ladies, I think we all can admit that we have disgusting, embarrassing and better-left-unsaid moments as well. I’m not talking about common period stories or pregnancy war stories.  I’m talking about the random shit that sometimes goes along with being a female.

Sometimes, we are in such a rush, we forget about logic. A friend was once changing her feminine pad in the dark. Not flipping a light on was probably the result of her rushing to ensure that her new panties didn’t get ruined. Priorities, people! Well, she got the pad on, but accidentally put it on the wrong way-ya know, with the tape part stuck to her pubes. I was standing outside the door when I heard a huge, “OUCH” and then a whimper of pain. She survived and quite possibly may have started the whole Brazilian waxing trend. 

Sometimes, we worry too much about germs, which leads us to do uncivilized things like squatting over toilets to avoid those little butt infestors from attaching themselves to our awesome asses. I think all women know where I’m going when I bring up the overly talked about public toilet system. From pee on the seats, to unflushed crap, to clogged toilets, to a mixture of mystery fluid on the floor that is just about to seep into your brand new peep toe sandals, woman are gross. Period. End of story.  I ask the bravest man to enter a woman’s public restroom and still come out a heterosexual. You’ve all been challenged. Good luck.

Sometimes, we do really stupid shit to impress people. In an effort to get the attention of a hot guy, a friend of mine once wore the highest heels in her closet, along with the shortest and tightest dress (sans panties) that money could buy for a night out at the club. Though dancing was a challenge for her even without the heels, she tried to twerk her way into this guy’s heart on the dance floor. After a few drinks, she threw caution to the wind and decided to get up onto one of those high rise platforms. She lifted one leg and was able to get the heel up, but in the process, her too-short dress revealed her womanly bits. Once she made it up to the platform, she lasted about 30 seconds before twisting her ankle and falling off the platform. Needless to say, the hot guy turned out to be gay and left with an even hotter guy. 

Disclaimer:  No, I wasn’t the asshole friend who sat back with a drink to watch this disaster unfold. I tried my best to talk her out of every minute that went by, starting with her decision to wear the nonsensical outfit. My efforts were obviously ignored, and I wound up taking her home, secretly throwing those heels in the garbage, and getting ice for her ankle.

Sometimes, our multi-tasking brains don’t allow us to process things before acting. In the next hour, I need to get six things done.  And because of multi-tasking, I will be able to get twelve things done instead. Most of the time, women benefit greatly from this ability. But there are a few instances where failure is inevitable. 

I think in this day and age, everyone has looked over their shoulder while driving, only to see some jackass texting instead of looking at the road. Though this is not specific to women, I have to give it up to the chick I saw recently who had a small drink perched in between her breasts while texting and driving. I didn’t follow her around to see if she arrived safely to her destination, but if she did make it, she just “one-upped” the entire multi-tasking driving community.

Sometimes, women have good intentions, but nasty shit still happens to us. When my oldest daughter was a few months old, I lifted her up above my head, waiting patiently for her brilliant smile with a wide opened grin on my face. Her smile never came. But the vomit did-directly into my own mouth. This is, by far, the grossest thing that has ever happened to me. I froze, while my husband laughed his ass off instead of getting me a towel, or carrying me into the shower, or making an emergency dental appointment for a cleaning. PS-We are now divorced.

The point of all of this is that, unlike men, women don’t go seeking out the gross stuff to show our friends how cool we are. Most of us don’t repeat our stupidity over and over again in order to get a good video to submit to AFV.  Most of us quietly acknowledge that shit happens and we move on in hopes that our more nauseating moments are deemed acceptable and even lovable by the very few people who get to know the real us.