If you’ve ever watched America’s Funniest Home Videos, you
know that other than the cute animal and kid videos, about 99% of the “funny” videos
aired are of men doing some stupid shit. On this show, you’ll find men racing
down slides while on a bicycle, men getting whacked in the balls when landing
on a pogo stick, men swinging from a child’s tire swing and breaking the tree
branch. You rarely see women trying these ridiculous stunts because we know
that the outcome has a high probability of being disastrous, and we simply
don’t want to make asses out of ourselves.
However, ladies, I think we all can admit that we have
disgusting, embarrassing and better-left-unsaid moments as well. I’m not
talking about common period stories or pregnancy war stories. I’m talking about the random shit that
sometimes goes along with being a female.
Sometimes, we are in
such a rush, we forget about logic. A friend was once changing her feminine
pad in the dark. Not flipping a light on was probably the result of her rushing
to ensure that her new panties didn’t get ruined. Priorities, people! Well, she
got the pad on, but accidentally put it on the wrong way-ya know, with the tape
part stuck to her pubes. I was standing outside the door when I heard a huge,
“OUCH” and then a whimper of pain. She survived and quite possibly may have
started the whole Brazilian waxing trend.
Sometimes, we worry
too much about germs, which leads us to do uncivilized things like squatting
over toilets to avoid those little butt infestors from attaching themselves to
our awesome asses. I think all women know where I’m going when I bring up
the overly talked about public toilet system. From pee on the seats, to
unflushed crap, to clogged toilets, to a mixture of mystery fluid on the floor
that is just about to seep into your brand new peep toe sandals, woman are
gross. Period. End of story. I ask the
bravest man to enter a woman’s public restroom and still come out a
heterosexual. You’ve all been challenged. Good luck.
Sometimes, we do
really stupid shit to impress people. In an effort to get the attention of
a hot guy, a friend of mine once wore the highest heels in her closet, along
with the shortest and tightest dress (sans panties) that money could buy for a
night out at the club. Though dancing was a challenge for her even without the
heels, she tried to twerk her way into this guy’s heart on the dance floor. After
a few drinks, she threw caution to the wind and decided to get up onto one of
those high rise platforms. She lifted one leg and was able to get the heel up,
but in the process, her too-short dress revealed her womanly bits. Once she
made it up to the platform, she lasted about 30 seconds before twisting her
ankle and falling off the platform. Needless to say, the hot guy turned out to
be gay and left with an even hotter guy.
Disclaimer: No, I wasn’t the asshole friend who sat back with
a drink to watch this disaster unfold. I tried my best to talk her out of every
minute that went by, starting with her decision to wear the nonsensical outfit.
My efforts were obviously ignored, and I wound up taking her home, secretly
throwing those heels in the garbage, and getting ice for her ankle.
Sometimes, our
multi-tasking brains don’t allow us to process things before acting. In the
next hour, I need to get six things done.
And because of multi-tasking, I will be able to get twelve things done
instead. Most of the time, women benefit greatly from this ability. But there
are a few instances where failure is inevitable.
I think in this day and age, everyone has looked over their
shoulder while driving, only to see some jackass texting instead of looking at
the road. Though this is not specific to women, I have to give it up to the chick
I saw recently who had a small drink perched in between her breasts while
texting and driving. I didn’t follow her around to see if she arrived safely to
her destination, but if she did make it, she just “one-upped” the entire multi-tasking
driving community.
Sometimes, women have
good intentions, but nasty shit still happens to us. When my oldest daughter
was a few months old, I lifted her up above my head, waiting patiently for her
brilliant smile with a wide opened grin on my face. Her smile never came. But
the vomit did-directly into my own mouth. This is, by far, the grossest thing
that has ever happened to me. I froze, while my husband laughed his ass off
instead of getting me a towel, or carrying me into the shower, or making an
emergency dental appointment for a cleaning. PS-We are now divorced.
The point of all of this is that, unlike men, women don’t go
seeking out the gross stuff to show our friends how cool we are. Most of us
don’t repeat our stupidity over and over again in order to get a good video to
submit to AFV. Most of us quietly
acknowledge that shit happens and we move on in hopes that our more nauseating
moments are deemed acceptable and even lovable by the very few people who get
to know the real us.
