This past May, as the officiant welcomed guests to my
wedding, I stole a glance at the first row where, sandwiched between our two
daughters, my ex-husband sat smiling at me. Noting his presence with an awkward
stare and crazed looks in their eyes, some baffled attendees whispered to me,
“Ummmm…you are aware that your ex is here, right?”
The expectation when a couple goes through a divorce is that
the hatred between the two parties should multiply quicker than Gremlins who
were fed after midnight. However, after an honest and curse-free discussion
about what went wrong with our marriage, my ex and I determinedly tiptoed around
the hatefest and revived the friendship part of our relationship. With our new
bond intact, we were able to pay attention to what mattered most.
Our first conscious decision was to focus on our girls. It’s
easier said than done, especially during those moments when all you want to do
is throw a dish at your ex’s head and call it a night. But if the focus isn’t
on your deteriorated relationship, it allows you to A) save your dishes and B)
be a better parent.
We agreed that our mess didn’t belong to our children, so
talking shit about each other in front of them was off limits. Reminiscing over
the gory details of your divorce has no place in your child’s world.
Influencing a child to dislike their parent only reflects poorly on you. So,
venting about your ex should be reserved for nights out at the bar with your
girlfriends, which brings me to my next point…
Divorce deserves a few drunken nights with unrestrained
conversation about the best way to banish your ex from the country. But be
warned- it will get old quickly. Whether the divorce was due to lying,
cheating, stealing, or just plain ole incompatibility, it simply doesn’t
matter. Wearing your post-divorce hostility like a badge of honor prohibits you
from moving forward. So have a few drinks, a few chat sessions with your
girlfriends, and then move the fuck on.
The opportunity to display your readiness to move on will be
presented to you during the “dividing of the assets” segment of the divorce
process. My ex and I chose not to concentrate on “stuff.” Dragging your feet
over petty bullshit like china or a bedroom set does nothing except increase
your lawyer’s rate. And if you are being difficult on purpose to make your ex
“pay” for what he did to you, congratulations on proving that you can be an asshole.
But your ex probably already knew that.
Hence, the divorce.
Looking beyond shitty divorce behavior can be like trying to
find a Hershey’s kiss in a sea of horse manure. But I’m here to tell you that
it’s completely worth it. Through the divorce fog, my ex and I gradually grew
into our friendship, which eventually extended to my new husband as well.
Today, when I look at the weird, but stable foundation we
have created, I can’t help but smile, knowing that our decision to forgive,
forget and accept has allowed our girls to be surrounded by love, rather than
anger, distaste and bitterness. Our daughters can live with confidence, knowing
that their parents and stepfather will always be in their lives…together.
