Tuesday, November 1, 2016

When An Ex Can't Get Over the Hatred

When exes physically insert themselves into your life, it is most commonly known as stalking. However, in many cases, exes indirectly connect themselves to you, ensuring that they are still in your life, while eliminating a legal stalking charge. With the power of social media, pursuing someone who is unaware of your interest in them is extremely simple and is usually harmless. However, this is not the kind of activity I'm referring to. I am talking about instances where a person's commitment to crazy is alarmingly impressive.

Unfortunately, I have had some dealings with people in this arena. And why they do what they do will forever be a mystery to me. Below are some personal examples that have contributed to my permanent state of "ex" bewilderment. Here's hoping you cannot relate.

Example #1: My family and friends have nursed me through a few breakups in my lifetime. And because they are my tribe, they are naturally inclined to have my back. But when dealing with an ex who acts like a lunatic, expect everyone on your support team to get a frantic phone call from said nutjob, detailing all of the ways that you are an asshole. This person desperately wants to feel validated by the people in your camp, most likely because the people in this loon's camp already know to keep their distance. I mean, what's that old saying? You are known by the company you keep? Yeah...well...no one wants to be labeled as "the cuckoo bird's friend", so here's hoping that your tribe lets the impending phone call go directly to voicemail.

Example #2: If you've read my blog before, you know that I've written quite a bit about how I'm incapable of hanging onto the past. But when it comes to a hate-filled ex, moving on is not a possibility...like...ever. I've actually been in a situation where someone, let's call her Sally Screwball, harassed repetitively contacted me a YEAR after the relationship with her ex ended. Not a month or two later...a YEAR later. In my experience, three to six months after a relationship has ended is typically the point where people start moving forward. But not Sally Screwball. She chose anger (over therapy), and found herself at the receiving end of a restraining order.

Example #3: When it comes to my Puerto Rican familia, if there is a breakup, the non-bloodline gets the axe.

And if the non-blood line is a nutter, my family is smart enough to see through the shenanigans. I can count on the loyalty of my Puerto Rican posse. But not all families are like mine. Some are easier to destroy. Similar to Example #1, psychos tend to enjoy penetrating your personal relationships in an attempt to ruin your life. Even though this fruitcake admitted to hating your family when you were together, your family suddenly blossoms into an avenue of hope, where revenge can be bestowed upon you by the act of manipulation. If this insane person manages to pry your impressionable family members away by offering them "stuff" while telling them awful stories of your assholery, then the hater wins (and maybe you do too, because you are probably better off without family members who choose to befriend someone who hates you).

Example #4: Wait. The crackpot didn't win yet?  There's more? Yes. Yes, there is. Sometimes, all of the above just isn't enough. Sometimes (and this is a true story), the fruit loop conjures up old documentation that can potentially create a frivolous lawsuit! Although I'm sure it's every judge's dream to spend hours of his time hovering over an angry bird trying to do an ex-partner in, I have to admit that this one confuses me most. In a relationship that ended YEARS ago, where there are no children, no shared assets, nothing at all left, walking away should be the only logical step. But apparently, some people are so vindictive, self-serving, antagonistic or plain obsessive in ensuring their ex's misery, that instead of moving on, they dedicate years of their own lives...in court...seeking revenge.

Here's the bottom line. The above behaviors belong to a very sad person (or at least to a person who may need psychiatric attention). Finding ways to make someone else's life miserable is no way to live.

To the exes who can't get over the hatred, I leave you with this. Your constant presence is like that of a gnat - annoying, but easily swatted away.

Waking up every morning obsessing over someone who fills your heart with hate is not healthy. Thinking that you have devised a plan to reach the core of your ex's being is not realistic. Any type of potential harm you think you may be causing is really only a stress trigger...for you. Because the inevitable truth is that your ex has moved past you. Your ex is waking up loving life and the people in it. And maybe it's time for you to do the same.

If it isn't, and you insist on remaining in your ex's life due to your hatred, please understand that your efforts are noted. But don't let it anger you further if a smile remains on your ex's face. Because what you seem to be missing, my dear, is that your ex has already succeeded in releasing the one thing in life that caused the most misery of all - and that, I'm afraid, is you.