Am I Really Done With Children?

Being new to the forties club, I’m still unsure about what is supposed to happen at this age.  I thought it might have something to do with boldly owning everything about yourself in an “I-am-woman-hear-me-roar” sort of way. But now that I am here, a feeling of unease is quietly nagging at me.

Because I’m not used to being unsure about anything, trying to get down to the bottom of my angst was difficult. Was it career related? Was it relationship related? Was it related to my environment?

No. Nope. Nyet.

And that’s when I realized that rather than being in a state of flux, my life is uncharacteristically static now. I have two amazing daughters, a loving husband, a stable career, and multiple hobbies. I am happy with my well laid-out life. So why the sudden haze?

Well…the truth behind my uncertainty unfolded when a friend recently announced her pregnancy. It was the silent question I had been asking myself every time I saw an infant at the grocery store.

Am I really done with children?

My fortieth year of life has been pretty great…until this question started running amok in my brain.

I don’t mean to be all "my biological clock is ticking" here, but if my answer to the question is no, then time is not on my side. This statement is even more true for my husband, who is fourteen years my senior.

Yet, having a baby is something we have been seriously considering for quite a while.

Though age is something to ponder, it is so far down the list of risk factors for us that, when weighed against everything else, it will never come close to being the reason why we do not have a baby.

Despite the long, hard road we may face, it is always easier to focus on the positives of why having a baby could be the best decision we ever make. Hell, we’ve even picked out baby names already (Oliver Thomas for a boy and Joelle Leslie for a girl)!

But we also have some fears that are slowing our decision down.

1. My health- Being a forty-year-old with Type 1 Diabetes automatically puts me at a higher risk. Even though I take really great care of myself, and I’ve already had two healthy regular sized babies, this is my husband’s only concern. And I get it. Being a widowed dad with an infant is not on his wish list.
2. Hurdles for him- The hubs may be 14 years older than me, but he is more fit than I could ever dream of being. So, I’m not worried about him keeping up with a child. However, in order for us to become preggers, he’d have to go through an “unsnipping” surgery, which comes with the added bonus of discomfort, pain, a two week healing process, and statistics that give us only about a sixty percent chance of conceiving.
3. Growing up-Over the years, my girls and I have given each other purpose. Though I firmly believe that my job as a parent is to let go of the self-sufficient children that I’ve raised, the reality is that in six short years, I will release my first born into the real world, followed by her sister two years later. It’s not as if I don’t have any other plans for my life when my girls go off to begin theirs, but for the first time in nine years, being a “mommy” (insert baby voice here), rather than just a “mom” (insert pre-teen voice here) is quite appealing.
4. Paths –Choosing one of two completely different life paths with my husband confuses me. The path the hubs and I are on now leaves us without children between us, but a lifetime with each other. Once my girls are in college, and some of the restrictions that come along with having children in the house are lifted, we will have time to spend alone as a couple. It’s a life I would be thrilled to explore with him by my side. But on the baby path, we would spend the rest of our lives raising a child, with not much time left for much else. While this may seem like a gloomy existence and not nearly as freeing as the first path, I know having a child together would take us down a road I would be equally happy to travel with him.

So-here I am, a forty-year-old haunted by the uncertainties that I thought were reserved for my twenties. I worry that no matter what decision is made, it will be the wrong one. And I know that not making a choice is still making a choice. But I also know that an older version of myself would laugh, knowing that regardless of the decision, my journey will turn out to be just as it should.

*I know there will be those who will be concerned, and those who will be unsupportive of a decision in favor of a pregnancy. Which is why I would like to thank a few people who have been in my shoes and were honest enough to tell me like it is. To my two friends Gina S. and Missy N., thank you for giving me tangible advice that included the good, the bad and the ugly with regard to having children at a later age. And for my friend Allie, thank you for having that breakfast with me last summer. Though it was long ago, that encouraging conversation stayed with me and opened my mind to the idea of “just one more”. Thank you for showing me that even through inconceivable hurdles that may have to be faced, the heart wants what it wants, and it’s okay to go after it, regardless of the outcome.

Why Sweeping It Under the Rug Will Never Be My Thing

Conflict amongst family and friends is never fun. Sadness, anger and hurt are just some of the emotions that appear during hard times. And who wants to deal with that, right?

Well…I do.

When there is an elephant in the room, rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, I always opt to stab it with a pitch fork. It's not that I am a confrontational person. It's just that I love the people in my life…hard. And the one thing I cannot tolerate is seeing someone I love hurting while the ones who are supposed to be there for support idly stand by and watch.

Living in the south, I’m finding that, unlike my Jersey brethren, many people would rather sweep the aforementioned elephant under the rug. Protruding large lumps?  No problem (sweep…sweep…sweep)! Pointy ivory tusks? I don’t see any (sweep…sweep…sweep)! Long swaying trunk? I never noticed (sweep…sweep…sweep)!

While ignoring a potentially problematic situation may seem like the easier or more polite choice, eventually, tripping over that elegant Persian rug that you’ve spent so much time perfecting is almost inevitable. And I can’t help but wonder if ignoring the elephant in the room ever leads to a desirable outcome.

As I’ve mentioned, I am a get-things-out-in-the-open type of person (it’s probably why blogging has become one of my enjoyments). Admittedly, I don’t quite understand the act of taking a backseat or staying uninvolved when someone you love is in pain (especially if you are the one who caused it). In addition, of all of the chores I do on a daily basis, sweeping is my least favorite. So, you’ll have to excuse my lack of competency when it comes to the “sweeping-things-under-the-rug” concept.

For all of you rug sweepers, here are some questions that, if answered, may alleviate my confusion.

1. Just how thick is this rug of yours? Give it to me in inches…or feet.
2. How much are you willing to sweep under it? Like…is it only for large issues? Or can I also find small issues hidden under it, such as not liking the paint color that your husband picked out for the bedroom?  
3. If you ever decide to look under your mountainous rug, will you find things under there from the 1970s?  I mean, how far back does the dust go?
4. How many awkward situations has this rug caused? Like…if you are sitting across the room from someone, can you have a normal conversation without shouting over the pile? Can you even see each other?
5. How do you lay comfortably on your couch?  Is it askew because of the carpet lumps?
6. And as a follow-up to question five, have you ever acknowledged that rugs aren’t supposed to be lumpy?
7. How many relationships have been stained with dormant untruths because of the infinite pile of crap lying underneath?
8. If someone trips on it, are you covered by your homeowners insurance?

As you can see by my line of questioning, I am in desperate need of answers. However, because rug sweepers tend to avoid responding to questions that may lead to direct resolutions, I won’t hold my breath. But no need to bless my heart. This Jersey girl will carry on living her life the only way she knows how - loudly.

A note for my loved ones (you know who you are):

I will always have your back. I will always defend you, even if that means inserting myself into a situation that may only partially belong to me. I will do this because I love you. And you deserve better. You deserve someone in your life who will say the unpopular thing. You deserve someone in your life who will call people out for treating you poorly. You deserve to be assured that there is at least one person in your life who cares enough about you to always be on your side. And I promise, I am that person for you. 

My loves, I will always choose you.

Squeezing the Chocolate: A Lesson in Moderation

Valentine’s Day has never been my thing.  But I appreciate the day for what it represents-an immense worldwide consumption of bright red, heart-shaped boxes filled with random selections of chocolate. While your outer dialogue may be filled with angst, disgust and temptation, your inner dialogue is more than likely shouting, “YAY!  CANDY!”

Though there may be some extreme health nuts attempting to create impressive, yet lackluster, low-calorie Valentine’s Day recipes, there are a boatload of us who will be happily digesting our five pound boxes of chocolate in a day or two, politely responding with the giggled retort, “I can’t believe I ate all that chocolate!  The diet starts tomorrow!”

So why do we feel guilty for the occasional indulgent behavior?  Has the health conscious world guilted us into feeling that all unhealthy food should be condemned? 

Is it an abomination to eat some chocolate on Valentine’s Day, even though our jeans are getting a little tighter?  Should we be food shamed if we don’t always eat organic? Does it say anything about who we are if, every so often, we choose processed or fast food?  To this, I say, “Hell no!”

When it comes to food, or even relationships and careers for that matter, is it not okay to do something that makes you happy, even though it may not be (gasp) the best fit for your life? 

After all, this isn’t the Truman Show, where everyone is secretly watching every bite, every step, every breath.  The only one who cares about your gluten/lactose/carb free life is you.  And if that life works for you, more power to you!  But if you live an extreme, “no treats allowed” life, constantly striving for the perfect body, perfect family, perfect existence, and all it leaves you with is misery and an empty, growling stomach, then what is the point?

This is your life-so live it, not for perfection, but for enjoyment.

I am a firm believer that doing what is healthy for your body is just as important as doing what is right for your mind.  And my mind is a big fan of the “everything in moderation” cliché. 

Moderation is tasting a few pieces of chocolate from the box, but knowing when to put the lid back on when it’s no longer enjoyable.  It is not extreme and doesn’t deprive you of anything.  Moderation allows for health without squandering the fun.  It replaces guilt with the simplicity of our choices.  Moderation lets our minds relax without the pressure of being punished if we splurge on something we truly crave.

Of course, we have all pinched and tasted a piece of chocolate, only to find it filled with mystery goo that tastes like someone at the candy factory “accidently” combined coffee with a teaspoon of Robitussin.  But we’ve also bit into that scrumptious piece of chocolate that we savored on our tongues, secretly wishing that the rest of the box was filled with only that kind. Taking chances and trying each piece of chocolate is addictive, a rite of passage as a woman, and according to Forrest Gump, a life lesson.

So I leave you with this.  Don’t punish yourself for not being able to fit into a certain size bikini this summer.  Don’t talk yourself out of something that makes you smile just because there are a few naysayers who live their lives more stringently.  Don’t live in a way that deprives you of your happiness-whatever that means for you.

Instead, rock what you’ve got, permit yourself to let go, be imperfect.  And when Valentine’s Day rolls around, make sure to squeeze every piece of chocolate in that heart-shaped box until you find the one you love.

*This piece was published on Reality Moms on February 1, 2017.

Our dog, Zoey

Dogs. Who would have thought that I could love a dog? Like really love a dog. On any given day of my life, if you asked if I was a dog person, I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes. But I have never been one of those over the top, “my-dog-is-my-life” kind of people. Once I had kids, my view of dogs changed drastically. The dog I had at that time became a dog. And my kids got first priority.

And then, after years of saying I would never get another dog, I met Zoey. Taking my girls to the Humane Society was a weekly ritual that we had been doing for about a year. And I was never tempted. The dogs were cute and it was sad to see them, but I was never compelled to take one home. But the minute I saw Zoey, my heart raced and she made me smile…on the inside. I had to have her. And of course, my kids were thrilled.

Zoey was roughly 9 or 10 when we adopted her. So, going in, we knew that her time with us may not be all that long. We pressed on anyway.

Over the last three and a half years, Zoey made it clear what her role was. She was not here to do the cooking, but she would have no problem eating our dinner before I got the chance to serve it. She was never going to clean the carpets, because then she would have a hard time remembering where her pee spot was. And she would definitely not be participating in a game of fetch if my intention was to throw her favorite toy more than three times.

Her role was simple. It was to love. And in a world full of so much hatred, she is a beautiful reminder that living with love in your heart is a much better way to go through life. Zoey frequently demonstrated her version of love by slapping her paw on my leg, slobbering all over my pants, breathing her horrid dog breath in my face in hopes of getting a lick, or dragging me down the street faster than my legs could carry me. It may not have been the way I would choose to be loved, but it was love all the same. 

And I didn’t realize it until today that without giving all that much (in the ways humans deem necessary of other humans), she gave our family everything. She was our constant. And in a few hours, when we say our final goodbyes at the vet’s office, this family’s world is going to change. Maybe not enough for anyone to notice, because to them, she’s just a dog. But to us, she is family.

And though I may not even come close to being the “doggiest” dog person alive, I am and always will be a Zoey person. And as she rests beside me now as I write this, my heart is heavy, but thankful that she showed me how the simplicity of a dog’s love could change my heart forever.

Post Like Nobody's Watching

I have a confession. I may fall into the “oversharer” category when it comes to Facebook. Mostly, I shamelessly share and re-share my blog posts, but I also display funny memes, pictures of my kids, and I do check-ins like I’m getting paid for it. And now that I’ve got my news feed perfectly filtered with only the people I actually care about, I truly love seeing what my friends deem worthy of sharing with me.

However, recently, there was a popular meme shared by a few people in my Facebook circle, which said something like, “if you feed the homeless and put it on Facebook, you are feeding your ego.” I actually spit out a bit of my coffee when I read it. No disrespect to my homies who posted it, but I found the meme both hypocritical and quite humorous, simply because Facebook is the very basis for egocentricity.

Posting anything on social media is an attempt to show what you are proud of. And pride…well…that is your ego. So, throwing shade at someone else by promoting the idea that one type of post feeds your ego more than any other is absurd.

Personally, I would much rather see more pictures of people doing good for this world than to see random day-to-day pictures that are cute, but less inspiring. For instance, I have a friend who regularly posts pictures of herself doing charity work. To me, it isn’t self-serving. It is motivational. She made me want to seek out local opportunities that I can participate in with my family. And when I found one, you bet I posted about it! Not to show how awesome I was. Not to “feed my ego”, but rather, in hopes that maybe I would inspire someone to do the same, just like my friend inspired me. It only takes one chain of events to make someone’s life better. And suggesting that we should keep these moments to ourselves is silly.

I mean, can you imagine waking up to your Facebook feed, and instead of seeing animal pictures, or pictures of someone’s scrumptious dinner from last night, or SNL videos of Alec Baldwin impersonating Donald Trump, there was a barrage of pictures revealing how your friends were helping their communities or participating in events that actually make a difference? Wouldn’t it make you want to do the same?

But I digress.

I completely understand and agree that there are certain instances that would benefit from privacy, rather than being blasted on Facebook. And for whatever reason (a love of drama, a need for attention), some of these “should-be-private” life events somehow make it to the public realm for all to see.

But for the most part, Facebook shows us what people are proud of, what makes them laugh out loud, what makes them happy to wake up in the morning, what makes them passionate, and most importantly, what makes them who they are. Is posting details about our daily lives egocentric? Yes, for all of us, even for those with the best intentions. But it is okay.

It is okay to share the moments in your life that fulfill you. It is not “fake” to post only about the things that make you smile. And on the same note, it is not misleading if you choose to keep your bad days private.
What you choose to share is up to you. It’s your life.

So, don’t let anyone tell you that you have an ego problem if you decide to post that picture of your daughter at a charity event, or winning an award, or doing well in school. Don’t shy away from posting a selfie in a public bathroom because you look slammin’ in that dress. Don’t feel shameful about posting your 5K training stats.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about posting your moments.

Let the haters hate. Post like nobody’s watching. And keep enjoying your Facebook life…your way.

A T-Shirt Dress...for Winter

Stock photo courtesy of Rotita

For those of you who aren't familiar with my blog, you probably don't understand my obsession with summer t-shirt dresses. Let's just say that I own too many, but I wear them often. I've even passed one down to my twelve-year-old daughter, who hates all dresses, but loves t-shirts. And although she's not as psyched about the dress as I am, I've at least introduced her to the concept that dresses can be just as comfortable as her pajamas (which, by the way, are oversized t-shirts).

As I've mentioned in a previous fashion post, Florida winters are pretty much non-existent. But that doesn't necessarily stop me from purchasing some winter-ish garb for the colder days. However, when it comes to winter fashion, I am a bit more selective, simply because I have fewer days to make use out of each piece of clothing.

So, when I saw this dress, I knew I had to add it to my closet.

I have to admit that I was hesitant to order when I learned that Rotita garments ship from China. Having ordered items from China before, I've found that fit is not comparable to American sizes and shipping can take up to a month. But not to worry-this dress from Rotita is true to size, and I received my package in under two weeks!

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the fit is baggy and comfortable, just like my favorite t-shirt dress! It hangs, but in a good way. And the material of this dress is quilt-like, making me feel like I am wrapped up in a blanket. I especially love the cowl neck! And for the low price of $25.91 (plus free shipping), it's hard to pass this dress up. My only trouble now is deciding which shoe to wear with it.

Happy shopping!

Choosing Your Fitness Team

I graduated from Syracuse University with a degree in Nutrition, but it only took six short months after being on the job to abandon that degree. Though the field wasn’t for me, I learned a lot and can happily apply that knowledge to my own life. So, it wasn’t a total loss.

Recently, a local personal trainer displayed a nutrition certificate that he was able to obtain from an online course in a few months. While I applaud his efforts to further educate himself about the world in which he works, I feel it is part of my old job to tell my fitness buddies to proceed with caution when accepting a diet plan or diet advice from a personal trainer.

Back in the day, I worked as a nutritionist for a doctor. When patients came to me, I already had access to their charts-medical history, family medical history, blood work, blood pressure, and current medications that the patient was taking. Based on all of this information, I was able to make informed decisions on realistic diet recommendations for each person.

In contrast, other than whatever information you decide to divulge about yourself, personal trainers do not have any information on you in which to base their nutritional guidance, nor are they trained to deal with any underlying medical conditions. The blunt truth is that even if they did have your chart work, they would not be able to properly utilize the information to give you a diet plan that is truly best for your body.

Before I discovered running, I tried the gym thing…twice. I hired personal trainers both times. The first personal trainer I hired suggested protein bars (which were actually loaded with sugar) prior to the workout. I declined and just stuck with a snack that was more appropriate for me. However, the second trainer (let's call him Tim) encouraged me to try his diet, which pretty much consisted of protein shakes and fruit. Other than my height and weight and a quick BMI calculation, Tim had no further details about my health. So, when I decided to inform him that I was a type 1 diabetic, I expected him to alter his diet advice. Instead, Tim's response was, “Great! So, a protein based diet is perfect for you!” I was amazed that, even with his obvious lack of knowledge, he was still confident in his advice...for a type 1 diabetic.

It was then that I started wondering about the accountability of personal trainers. What if I didn’t tell Tim about my health, followed his diet, and wound up in the hospital? Is he liable for giving me a diet plan that he technically is not licensed to give? Or does the responsibility lie on the client to disclose medical issues before going on a diet suggested by an unqualified person? I don’t know the answers to these questions. But my gut feeling is that a trainer is the expert at fixing the outside of your body, while a dietitian is better qualified to fix the inside.

I'm hopeful that my experience with Tim isn’t the norm. But I think it's important to be cautious when accepting generic plans. This is not only limited to advice from personal trainers, but also from your buddies who swear by products that incorporate shakes, pills or some other type of fad into your diet. While I'm sure their intent is not malicious, before committing to a product or a plan suggested by a non-professional, ask yourself if you could see yourself using this plan/product for the rest of your life. Ask yourself if the person promoting it is qualified to tell you what to put inside your body. Ask yourself if you are 100% sure that it is safe...for you. If you are unsure of your answers to these questions, then I urge you to move on and consult with a registered dietitian, or at the very least, your doctor, to find a plan tailored to your body and to your health goals.

(Tip: There is a difference between learning how to eat right and going on a diet. Sometimes, they aren't the same thing. Keep this in mind when making food and supplement choices.)

I am a huge supporter of being healthy and fit, but I firmly believe that getting there the right way is imperative. Seeking the right health plan for yourself may take more work than simply ingesting a shake or signing up for a gym. Remember- this is your fitness journey, and cutting corners shouldn't be an option.

It's hard to lose if you surround yourself with professionals who are most capable of devising the best plan for you. So, choose your team wisely, and then simply follow your sculpted path to the healthiest you.

Good luck and happy new year!

*This piece was published on Reality Moms on January 7, 2017.

The 2016 Holiday Gift Guide for Oddballs

It's the holiday season, folks! And naturally, that means that bloggers are out in full force with our annual holiday gift guides! (Insert eye roll here.)

I've never done a gift guide before. And lucky for you, I will NOT be making this an annual thing (or at least I'm not planning on it at the moment). But in the spirit of doing things my own way, I give you my 2016 Top Ten Holiday Gift Guide for Oddballs (Dave Letterman style). Drum roll please...

Gift #10 (for parents everywhere): How to Traumatize Your Children, $11.03

I mean, all of our kids are eventually going to blame us for something we did wrong as parents, right? Why not beat them to the punch this holiday season by purchasing this book with "seven proven methods to help you screw up your kids"? You're welcome.

photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Gift #9 (for the bike enthusiast): Bike Tail Lights, $7.96

My husband happens to be a cyclist. And what is better than a pair of balls...for your bike? These would be great for someone who is into cycling...or balls...or both.

photo courtesy of Delomo

photo courtesy of Delomo

 Gift #8 (for your pets): The Pet Umbrella, $9.99

How many times has your poor dog taken a dump in the rain while you hog up all of the umbrella? I mean, can you imagine doing your business while a monsoon drenches you? Well...pet lovers, rejoice! There finally is a solution! Buy Fido the coverage he's been dreaming of!

photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Gift #7 (for the traveler): Travel Belt Hitch, $17.95

With long lines, hordes of frustrated people, and full body scans, airports are nightmares come to life. But the real problem with airport travel is that you never get to stand around with free use of your hands, right? Enter the travel belt hitch. You want to text while drinking coffee? No problem. You want to wash both hands at the same time without having your luggage be deemed as suspicious? Well...here's the answer.

photo courtesy of odditymall.com

Gift #6 (for the beer lover with a sweet tooth): Draft Beer Jelly Belly, $2.59

Beer and candy? Well...I guess it would depend on how drunk I am. But if you need a gift for a beer lover, I'm sure purchasing another boring beer mug is not an option you want to explore again. So, why not try these beer flavored jelly beans? 

photo courtesy of offthewagonshop.com

Gift #5 (for the dreamer): Bag of Unicorn Farts, $10.99

In the land of the dreamers, unicorns, rainbows, elves and fairies live in a very real place - right here on Earth. And if they are Earth dwellers, then I imagine these mystical creatures also have bodily functions. But because they are so much more impressive than the human race, their farts get massed produced and sold in bags for profit. I'm not sure what the bag will smell like, or what the benefit of owning this would be, but I'm sure if you have a dreamer in your life, he/she will figure it out. 

photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Gift #4 (for the neat freak): Nail Capsule Fingernail Catcher, $8

Do you know someone who would rather die than find a nail clipping on her floor? Neither do I. But just in case, check out this little contraption that keeps all of your nail clippings tidily in place.

photo courtesy of odditymall.com

Gift #3 (for the poop lovers): Doody Head Game, $11.48

Poop paraphernalia is everywhere. I can't get away from it. My nine year old daughter thinks poop emojis are "cute". And because my husband always says, "If you can't get out of it, get into it", I have a feeling this game will be under our Christmas tree this year. If you know a poop obsessed kid (or adult), this riveting poophead game is the way to go.

photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Gift #2 (for the crazy cat lady in your life): Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure, $14.99

I don't think this gift needs any explanation whatsoever. Although, I take issue with the "action" figure description. I'm not sure what type of action this doll would attempt to maneuver. Does she climb trees in her robe, searching for a cat in need? Does she gallantly tear her robe open, unveiling a giant cat symbol that shines in the night sky, allowing all of the cats in the neighborhood to know that she's the lady with the food? I'm baffled by her superhero merchandising status. But if you know a cat lady who needs a reminder of why she's so awesome, this is the perfect gift!

photo courtesy of offthewagonshop.com

And the #1 oddball gift of the 2016 holiday season goes to...

Wash Your Nuts Soap on a Rope, $14.99

If you like sex as much as I do, then you know that your hormones want what they want when they want it. Even if your man recently finished a two-hour workout, you want him...now. Though your hormones may not mind schweddy balls, your mind is a different matter. And as said best by Margaret Cho, "Wash EEEEET!"

Which is why Wash Your Nuts is the perfect friendly reminder, as well as the perfect nutty stocking stuffer for your man!

photo courtesy of perpetualkid.com

And once again, thanks for being randomly amused with me! Happy holidays and happy shopping!

*This piece was published on Sammiches and Psych Meds on December 19, 2016.

Why I Don't Go To Office Parties

As a society, we tend to spend the majority of our waking hours at work. Americans have even adopted phrases like “work-wife” and “work-husband” to describe our co-workers who have become alternatives to our actual families. And with the holiday season approaching, there are sure to be bigger year-end projects, longer nights on the job, and, of course, holiday office parties.

As a mom working in the corporate world, my calendar is already bursting with holiday fun like ugly sweater parties, cookie-swapping parties, the school holiday choir concert, pictures with Santa, and holiday bake sales. So you’ll understand if I’m not exactly thrilled about squeezing an office party into my schedule.

You would think that because I have been working from home for quite a few years now, I would have successfully dodged the torturous bullet of office functions. Nope. I’m not that lucky. The hubs has already received a heads up about his company’s’ holiday dinner. And now, all we need is a tactful but firm way of saying “absolutely not.”

Before raising your pitch forks, you’ll be happy to know that we made an appearance at last year’s gala. But it is my opinion that if your office holds a corporate event at a buffet-style restaurant with the word “corral” in it, you should automatically be excused from all extracurricular work activities…forever. Of course, not everyone shares this view, which is why, this year, crafting the perfect holiday excuse was our first priority.

Though I have been blessed with a husband who prefers a cordial RSVP, politely declining an invitation has become a challenge. Admittedly, if it were up to me, I would just say no. I mean, why do people always feel the need to follow a “no” with a justification of the “no”?

I’ll tell you why. Because nowadays, if you don’t give a reason, people are nosey enough to ask for one. And some bosses are so dedicated to your attendance, they even come up with solutions to your elaborate excuses.

Example #1: Have Granny’s 70^th birthday to attend? That’s okay! You can just come to the office party for a little while! (Disclaimer: This one can backfire, as my husband’s boss once refused to give him his holiday bonus for leaving the party early.)

Example #2: Have concert/game tickets on the same night? Worry not! Stop in for a quick bite to eat before the event! Those things never start on time anyway!

Example #3: Having oral surgery the morning of the party? No problem! We love seeing your face, no matter how swollen!

Some of you may be asking, “Why not tell the truth?”

We tried.

When my husband attempted to respectfully decline this year’s shindig by straightforwardly saying, “I would really like to spend that time with my wife and kids,” his employer’s rebuttal was, “Well…bring them”!

I know what you’re thinking. This is a generous offer. But think about it. Bringing your spouse to a work soiree, where she gets to spend a night with your acquaintances making small talk, all while smiling with clenched teeth, quietly scolding your bored and uncomfortably dressed kids who are naturally misbehaving, is not a good idea. As all parents know, bored kids at a function that really should be “adults only” is not beneficial to anyone involved.

As you can see, finding ways to avoid a holiday office bash can become a full-time job. And I’m sure there are plenty of people who truly love the networking opportunities, free booze, and drunken karaoke duets that come along with an office party. And that’s fine. Really.

But during the holidays, when the majority of us are feeling overwhelmingly stretched too thin, I think it’s important to spend our free time AWAY from work, with the people who calm our hearts.

Even though your boss may feel slighted if you successfully find a way to escape the annual celebration, try not to feel bad too bad about it. Obligation should never play a role in determining how you spend your time. So, go ahead and enjoy this holiday season your way. No excuses.

*This piece was published on Sammiches and Psych Meds on December 16, 2016.