Women Can Be Just As Disastrous As Men

If you’ve ever watched America’s Funniest Home Videos, you know that other than the cute animal and kid videos, about 99% of the “funny” videos aired are of men doing some stupid shit. On this show, you’ll find men racing down slides while on a bicycle, men getting whacked in the balls when landing on a pogo stick, men swinging from a child’s tire swing and breaking the tree branch. You rarely see women trying these ridiculous stunts because we know that the outcome has a high probability of being disastrous, and we simply don’t want to make asses out of ourselves.

However, ladies, I think we all can admit that we have disgusting, embarrassing and better-left-unsaid moments as well. I’m not talking about common period stories or pregnancy war stories.  I’m talking about the random shit that sometimes goes along with being a female.

Sometimes, we are in such a rush, we forget about logic. A friend was once changing her feminine pad in the dark. Not flipping a light on was probably the result of her rushing to ensure that her new panties didn’t get ruined. Priorities, people! Well, she got the pad on, but accidentally put it on the wrong way-ya know, with the tape part stuck to her pubes. I was standing outside the door when I heard a huge, “OUCH” and then a whimper of pain. She survived and quite possibly may have started the whole Brazilian waxing trend. 

Sometimes, we worry too much about germs, which leads us to do uncivilized things like squatting over toilets to avoid those little butt infestors from attaching themselves to our awesome asses. I think all women know where I’m going when I bring up the overly talked about public toilet system. From pee on the seats, to unflushed crap, to clogged toilets, to a mixture of mystery fluid on the floor that is just about to seep into your brand new peep toe sandals, woman are gross. Period. End of story.  I ask the bravest man to enter a woman’s public restroom and still come out a heterosexual. You’ve all been challenged. Good luck.

Sometimes, we do really stupid shit to impress people. In an effort to get the attention of a hot guy, a friend of mine once wore the highest heels in her closet, along with the shortest and tightest dress (sans panties) that money could buy for a night out at the club. Though dancing was a challenge for her even without the heels, she tried to twerk her way into this guy’s heart on the dance floor. After a few drinks, she threw caution to the wind and decided to get up onto one of those high rise platforms. She lifted one leg and was able to get the heel up, but in the process, her too-short dress revealed her womanly bits. Once she made it up to the platform, she lasted about 30 seconds before twisting her ankle and falling off the platform. Needless to say, the hot guy turned out to be gay and left with an even hotter guy. 

Disclaimer:  No, I wasn’t the asshole friend who sat back with a drink to watch this disaster unfold. I tried my best to talk her out of every minute that went by, starting with her decision to wear the nonsensical outfit. My efforts were obviously ignored, and I wound up taking her home, secretly throwing those heels in the garbage, and getting ice for her ankle.

Sometimes, our multi-tasking brains don’t allow us to process things before acting. In the next hour, I need to get six things done.  And because of multi-tasking, I will be able to get twelve things done instead. Most of the time, women benefit greatly from this ability. But there are a few instances where failure is inevitable. 

I think in this day and age, everyone has looked over their shoulder while driving, only to see some jackass texting instead of looking at the road. Though this is not specific to women, I have to give it up to the chick I saw recently who had a small drink perched in between her breasts while texting and driving. I didn’t follow her around to see if she arrived safely to her destination, but if she did make it, she just “one-upped” the entire multi-tasking driving community.

Sometimes, women have good intentions, but nasty shit still happens to us. When my oldest daughter was a few months old, I lifted her up above my head, waiting patiently for her brilliant smile with a wide opened grin on my face. Her smile never came. But the vomit did-directly into my own mouth. This is, by far, the grossest thing that has ever happened to me. I froze, while my husband laughed his ass off instead of getting me a towel, or carrying me into the shower, or making an emergency dental appointment for a cleaning. PS-We are now divorced.

The point of all of this is that, unlike men, women don’t go seeking out the gross stuff to show our friends how cool we are. Most of us don’t repeat our stupidity over and over again in order to get a good video to submit to AFV.  Most of us quietly acknowledge that shit happens and we move on in hopes that our more nauseating moments are deemed acceptable and even lovable by the very few people who get to know the real us.

At the End of the Rainbow

Everyone is chomping at the bit to write about the recent SCOTUS decision to legalize same sex marriage nationwide.  And, why not?  It’s national news, right? 

Before I go any further, I want to let my readers know that I am 100% supportive of this new law.  But as great as this moment is for same-sex couples, the fact that it is considered news is sad to me.  Humanity has taken such a negative turn over the years, that we accept this as a huge win.  The reality is that it should have never been a fight in the first place. 

I’m going to take you inside my “everything is perfect” bubble.  Here are three things I see at the end of the rainbow.

I see the day where there is no LGBT “community”.  Before you get up in arms, hear me out.  The word “community” describes a sense of togetherness.  However, in recent years, community has been used to segregate different types of people.  In addition to the “LGBT” community, we have the “black” community, the “hispanic” community, the “polyamorous” community, and the list goes on.  While I understand the natural inclination to gather amongst people with similar backgrounds, I think creating sub-divisional groups, however unintentionally,  is a path that could make coming together extremely difficult in the future.  If we all want the same rights, we need to cross these communal boundaries and start making real attempts to understand each other so that we know how to fight for each other.  I think this SCOTUS decision was a small example of that.  But in my opinion, we need to work harder at becoming one human community.

I see the day where there is no more struggle, no more bullying, no more teen suicides from the pressures of being gay.  One thing I learned on my first real job was to “think outside of the box”.  However, in high school, teens put anyone who is unfamiliar to them inside a box-cool, nerd, jock, slut.  Adding gay, bi-sexual, transgender to an already mounting list of “flaws” that a student can potentially have does no good for the bully or the one being bullied. Kids bully based on fear, so it’s up to us as parents to address their fears in order for them to see inside each person they meet without judgement.

I see the day where a human being doesn’t have to “come out of the closet” to anyone-publicly or privately.  In today’s world, straight people don’t have to make announcements that they are straight.  When a celebrity is straight, it’s not national news.  No attention is paid to a straight person’s mannerisms, how he is dressed, who he is hanging out with.  It simply doesn’t matter.  So, what I wish for everyone is that your life matters to you and those who love you, and that everyone else walking by you on the street doesn’t think to care.

Of course, the vision in my bubble is easier said than done.  Do we have to march on Capitol Hill to get what we want?  Do we have to write letters to our congressman?  Do we have to start petitions?  Sure, these things can help.  But first, I think we all can take little parts of our dreams about how we see the world and guide ourselves and our children towards understanding them, accepting them and finding the gold at the end of our rainbow.

Stop Making Bucket Lists!

So, I went skydiving yesterday for the first time. It was definitely one of the coolest things I have ever done in my life. However, rather than regale you with all of the details of my adventure, I am going to ask you all a simple question. What is the coolest thing you have done in your life so far?

A few days before the skydiving experience, my husband asked me about my bucket list. I was honest with him when I said that I don’t have one. Travel is something I want to do more of in my lifetime, but it doesn’t really fall into the “things I need to do before I die” category. As for skydiving, that was something I wanted to try, but not because I wanted to cross it off some death list.

To me, bucket lists contain things you do once, then cross it off and move onto the next item. I have an issue with that. What I have accomplished, so far, are things that I do not necessarily want to stop doing.  I don’t want to cross anything off in life. Putting a line through something seems so final. What if I want to skydive ten more times? 

So instead of being depressed because I haven’t completed #59 off my bucket list, I created a “life list” consisting of notable things that I have already accomplished (and may do again). Having a life list is a similar concept, but it instead focuses on achievements. I named mine the “My-Life-is-Awesome-Look-At-All-the-Cool-Shit-I’ve-Done-So-Far” list. I encourage each of you to make one of these, rather than succumb to the pressure of fulfilling a bucket list. 

Trust me when I tell you that it’s much more satisfying seeing the things you have done and how you have lived your life so far, rather than the things you have yet to achieve.  So, my friends, live on and enjoy the cool shit along the way!

Feel free to peruse my list below or share your own lists with me! And remember that the little things count just as much as the big things! Happy list making!

My-Life-is-Awesome-Look-At-All-the-Cool-Shit-I’ve-Done-So-Far List

• 1.       Had two awesome daughters
• 2.       Have seen my daughters succeed (even the small stuff counts!)
• 3.       Married the love of my life
• 4.       Said yes to my then-boyfriend’s marriage proposal at Pont de Artes (the lock and key bridge) in Paris
• 5.       Have seen family and friends get married and have children
• 6.       Skydiving from 18,000 feet
• 7.       Slingshot bungee jumping
• 8.       Rode in a helicopter
• 9.       Started a blog (and have been published!)
• 10.   Joined a book club
• 11.   Witnessed a space shuttle launch from a beach (where I met a family who I am still friends with to this day)
• 12.   Walked the San Francisco Bridge
• 13.   Drove down Lombard Street, San Francisco
• 14.   Did a color run
• 15.   Ran a half marathon
• 16.   Cycled a half century
• 17.   Adopted a dog from the Humane Society
• 18.   Lived in Texas…and Pennsylvania…and New Jersey…and Florida
• 19.   Vacationed in Hilton Head, SC
• 20.   Been to Washington DC (The Monument, Abe Lincoln Memorial, Museum of Natural History, the Vietnam Wall)
• 21.   Went to a wolf preserve
• 22.   Been on a road trip-Florida to New York
• 23.   Visited the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Central Park, FAO Schwartz, Freedom Tower, MOMA, Flat Iron
• 24.   Have ridden in a subway
• 25.   Have hailed a cab, NYC style
• 26.   Have eaten the best pizza ever (Sal and Carmines, New York, New York)
• 27.   Have eaten at Carlos’ Bakery in Hoboken before it was famous
• 28.   Been to the World Trade Center when it still stood
• 29.   Learned to make French macaroons from a French chef in Paris
• 30.   Sat in the grand stands at the Tour de France 2012 (Bradley Wiggins won)
• 31.   Tried French Onion soup in Paris
• 32.   Visited the Lourve
• 33.   Rode on the Metro
• 34.   Vacationed in Spain (Ibiza & Madrid)
• 35.   Hiked through the El Yunque rain forest & stood underneath La Mina Falls
• 36.   Walked through the Rio Camuy caves
• 37.   Went on a Biolumenscence boat tour in Fajardo, Puerto Rico and got to touch the plankton
• 38.   Snorkeled in Xcaret-Cancun, Mexico
• 39.   Saw a live bull fight-Cancun, Mexico
• 40.   Got my hair braided in the Bahamas
• 41.   Did a short hike at the Grand Canyon
• 42.   Ate ribs at BB Kings in Memphis, TN while attending the International Blues Challenge
• 43.   Visited Graceland
• 44.   Been to the International Food and Wine Festival at Epcot with my friends from grammar school
• 45.   Got a tattoo (4 times and counting…)
• 46.   Got piercings (ears, tongue, hand, belly button)
• 47.   Graduated from college
• 48.   Have attended a foam party
• 49.   Smoked strawberry tobacco from a hookah
• 50.   Been to a professional baseball game
• 51.   Played laser tag
• 52.   Have been to an indoor trampoline park
• 53.   Started happy jars for myself, my girls and my husband
• 54.   Went to Woodstock 1999
• 55.   Have been to a few concerts (Hall & Oates, Madonna, Live, Barenaked Ladies, Aerosmith, Alanis Morissette/Tori Amos,  Katy Perry, Train/Maroon 5)
• 56.   Have seen multiple shows on Broadway-Les Miserables (three times), Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Rent (three times), Miss Saigon, Cyrano: The Musical, Jekyll and Hyde, Wicked
• 57.   Sang to an audience
• 58.   Have been to a real recording studio in SOHO and watched a producer work his magic
• 59.   Touched a stingray
• 60.   Touched a snake
• 61.   Fed a dolphin
• 62.   Visited Winter the dolphin in Clearwater, FL
• 63.   Gone horseback riding on a beach
• 64.   Volunteered for Habitat for Humanity (helped build a house in Fellsmere, FL)
• 65.   Have donated food to the local food pantry on a regular basis
• 66.   Watched the sunset
• 67.   Went on an airboat ride in the Everglades
• 68.   Have ridden on the back of a motorcycle
• 69.   Dyed my hair blond, red, lighter brown, and pink (not at the same time)
• 70.   Donated my hair (twice) to Pantene Beautiful Lengths
• 71.   Took ballroom dancing classes as an adult
• 72.   Crocheted a scarf
• 73.   Have grown my own strawberries and basil
• 74.   Have been to a corn maze
• 75.   Been to Medieval Times (and actually loved it)
• 76.   Been to Disney World close to 60 times in the past 4 years
• 77.   Seen fireflies light up a bottle
• 78.   Bought food for a homeless man

Does there have to be a spark?

Let’s talk about sex.  

Now, I’m not an expert, but let’s just say that I probably enjoy sex more than the average woman.  Having said that, I tend to do the things I enjoy doing quite frequently.  And this is where I hear vast differences among women.  I recently read an article written with the intention of “how to get the sexual spark back” after having children.  There were tons of comments from women saying how much they could relate to the article and that they were looking for that spark that was there in the very beginning of the relationship.  Ladies, let me be the first to break it to you-to him, there is no spark.  I truly believe that this spark that women refer to is something we conjured up in our own minds.  Now, I can only speak from my own experiences, but from what I can tell, men are ALWAYS ready, willing and able to have sex.  They are never too tired, too busy, too moody, or whatever other excuses women can think of.  Men aren’t wondering where the spark is in their relationships.  And do you know why?  It’s because they ENJOY having sex!  I know.  It’s a very simple concept.  There is no psychology behind it.  They don’t pine over the good ole days wondering where the woman they married has gone.  You know why?  Because to the man in your relationship, the woman they met 5 or 10 years ago is the very same woman he is staring at day in and day out.  And you know what else?  To him, she is just as sexy now as she was then. 

Think about all of the things you really enjoy doing.  For me, spending time with my children, reading a great book, cycling, going out with friends and going shopping are some of the things I look forward to doing on a day to day basis.  For me, sex also falls into this category.  Even though sex is with a partner (most of the time), I treat sex as “me time” – a time to feel good about myself, to feel sexy, to feel experimental, to feel united with the one I love, to feel loved, to feel comforted, to feel relaxed, to feel happy.  Sex gives me all of that and more.  So, why would I ever stop making time for it? In addition to that, why would I try to find excuses not to have it?  I completely understand that life gets busy and you may not be able to have sex every single day, but for me in particular, I never really understood the “spark” excuse. 

If you believe in a magical spark that needs to be ignited in order for you to bring your sexy back, I implore you to stop waiting on your man.  If there is something in particular that you need from him, ASK him!  Trust me, most men will be all too happy to oblige if you have a request that doesn’t involve your need for them to take the garbage out or paint the house.  You have to stop blaming your man and making excuses for why YOU don’t want to have sex. If your relationship has gotten to the point where your man has stopped coming on to you, it just may be because he gets rejected all of the time and is waiting on you to show interest.   Or even worse, some men are getting sex regularly from their women but it feels obligatory because the woman thinks it’s her “wifely duty” to make sure her man climaxes.  News flash ladies-most men would prefer that you are interested WHILE having sex.  It’s kind of a turn off if both parties aren’t into it (or each other).  And just a tip- if you are both waiting on each other for some sort of sexual sign to initiate intercourse, you may wind up with a guy who is more like a roommate than a lover. 

So…the question isn’t about a spark.  The spark is just another excuse for why you don’t feel a sexual connection to your man.  This “spark” is all about YOU and how YOU feel, and most likely how your needs aren’t being met.  It has nothing to do with his feelings.  So, the real question should be, “why the hell am I not enjoying sex anymore?”  Or maybe the question is,”why have I never enjoyed sex?”  And ladies-the only person who can really answer that is you.  Yes, your man can help you figure it all out, but in the end, your needs have to be realized and then vocalized for anything to change.  Imagine loving sex as much as you love shopping or exercising or going to the spa.  Because that’s what it’s like for me.  All I can say is that you should try to remember the good things about sex and let yourself go.  Don’t look at the clock or think about all of the things you have to do while you’re having sex.  Be in the moment and FEEL how awesome it is!  And when it’s over and you have climaxed, be in that moment too.  Because the kind of calm and peace that comes after an orgasm can’t be bought-not even at the spa. 

*This piece was published on BLUNTmoms on June 15, 2015.

*This piece was also published on The Good Men Project on September 2, 2016.

Losing the Dad of the Year Award

With Father’s Day approaching, I want to point out that this day for dads does not just have to be for the awesome men who are there for their kids every second of the day. While I applaud these dads, I just want to recognize the dads who get blamed for never being around (but who want to be); the dads who don’t think they deserve their children’s time; the dads who think they aren’t worthy of the title “Dad”. While I believe that these dads should work harder to be around more for their children, I give these guys a lot of credit. It’s not easy being that kind of Dad. I’ve watched it firsthand, and although it’s simple for everyone to call these men “dead beat parents”, that really isn’t the case at all-at least not in my home.

On Father’s Day, a few years ago, my fiancé was getting ready to meet his girls for lunch. As he was leaving, he looked at me with sad eyes and said, “I feel bad to make them give up their day for me. They probably feel obligated to be with me today.” In that moment, my heart broke for him. He wasn’t making an excuse; he really did want to see them. But he truly felt that because he wasn’t around in their lives growing up, he didn’t deserve a place in their lives at all…especially on Father’s Day. 

I want to be able to tell you about all of the times he spent with his girls growing up, and the unique bond he has with them. But unfortunately, my fiancé is not that Dad. The Dad of the Year award will never be given to him. Due to divorce and hefty alimony and child support payments, my fiancé had to work constantly in order to keep up with those payments, leaving little time for his precious girls. Even though his thoughts were always with them, he didn’t have time to be there for them when it counted. After years like this, his lifestyle became habitual, and though the alimony payments ended and he was able to create a decent relationship with them as they grew older, the time he spent with his daughters was still minimal. 

Recently, when a slew of poor decisions on his daughters’ parts tore a large gaping hole in his heart, he was unwavering in his love for them. And that is what makes him a great father. Loving his daughters even though he is incredibly hurt and disappointed in the choices they have made, is inspiring. Being able to love them, even though they cannot be in his life the way he wishes they could be, is truly remarkable. Wishing them well, even though they have wronged him, is one of the best qualities a human being can have. But even with a heart full of unconditional love, he still gets a bad rap for not being around enough.  I agree with the girls to a certain extent, as I believe that when they were children, he should have made a bigger and better effort, regardless of his circumstances.  But I also believe that once children become adults, everyone is then on an equal playing field.  As adults, we are all responsible for every relationship we have, especially those with our parents.

I don’t believe that a father’s greatness should be based on the number of hours he shares with you, or the number of times he calls you each year. I think a father’s greatness comes from his love, his ability to guide you, and from his ability to be honest, loyal, sincere and accepting. These are qualities I have been witness to during my fiancé‘s interactions with his daughters over the years. In addition, he is thoughtful, caring, smart, and funny. One of the best things about him is that when he loves you, he would go to the ends of the Earth and back for you.

Is he the best Dad ever? No, but his girls have made and are still making some awful decisions that are causing him a lot of pain, so no one in this family is going to be receiving any awards this year. All I know is that if my Dad asked me to compromise or told me that I caused him pain, I would do everything I could to make it right again. With that said, rather than continuing on the destructive course they are on, I hope they find a way to truly listen to each other without defending their past actions.  I hope they find a way to understand and move through the pain they have all caused each other, both in the past, and more recently.  Mostly, I hope that they will be willing to do whatever it is that needs to be done to make sure that the relationship can begin to grow again. 

The father I know in my fiancé (and the fathers who are in similar situations), will always love his daughters and will always want their happiness, even if he can’t be a part of it. And to the children of Dads in similar situations, although he may not have earned the Dad of the Year award, he is your Dad; he is your blood; and he loves you more than you will ever know.

Happy Father’s Day to the awesome dads who go the extra mile, and for all of those Dads who don’t, but wish they could.

Give Me a Break!

Back in the day, taking breaks at the office was normal and quite enjoyable.  Over the years, there has been quite a shift in the acceptance of taking breaks at all.  Because I have worked for the same company for a really long time, I watched this shift occur right before my eyes.  I went from taking a leisurely lunch with a bunch of my colleagues to grotesquely shoving my lunch into my mouth while at my desk.  And although I can’t speak for everyone, I definitely know of people who work in other professions who don’t take breaks either.  For example, I was recently dumbfounded when a friend of mine, who is a nurse, told me that she doesn’t even get time to take regular bathroom breaks.

Not taking a break has become the norm in many places of employment.  I remember the days when we were so busy that our management teams ordered food for us and apologized profusely for not allowing us to leave our desks for lunch because we were so slammed.  Most of us were okay with it because we knew that it was only a temporary situation, and that we would get our full lunch hour back in a few days.  Fast forward to 2015, where I can’t remember the last time I took a full hour for lunch and didn’t feel guilty about it.

My managers are actually pretty great.  I work crazy hours, I work hard, and they always find a way to let me know that they notice.  So you would think that I would be a little less paranoid about getting up from my desk.  But for me, this is not the case.  Because I work from home, my concern is that someone will call me and think that because I didn’t answer, I am down at the beach having a cocktail instead of being at work.  I worry that if I don’t answer the phone every single time it rings, people may perceive me as unreliable, unavailable or, even worse, a slacker.  Not to mention, it just so happens that almost every time I dash to my kitchen to make myself a plate of food or get up to use the bathroom, I get a phone call with some sort of an emergency.  So, that doesn’t help my fear at all. 

Recently, I started to wonder if employees are on overdrive, constantly trying to prove their worth, and in turn, creating this “no break” environment?  Or has the work environment become too demanding of the employees?  Maybe it is a bit of both.  Regardless of the cause, my question still remains-what happened to lunch breaks? 

One of my favorite bosses used to occasionally take us to lunch for (insert GASP here) over an hour.  We talked about work, but also about our lives.  We laughed and created a personal team dynamic.  We weren’t just colleagues; we became friends.  Instead of focusing on myself, my worth, my deadline, my ability to prove what an asset I was, I focused on my team and how we could work better together.  I wasn’t stressed out about being the best.  I was driven to be a better part of the team.  The moral of the story is that when you are friends with the people you work with, you will tend to do just about anything to help each other succeed. 

In addition to providing great team morale, I believe taking breaks (and not the 10 minute gorging sessions we now call lunch) during a busy or stressful work day can be great for productivity!  Can you imagine going to a meeting without your stomach growling the entire time, wondering if you would get a chance to eat that day?  Can you imagine a room full of employees who had just taken a break, who are refreshed, attentive, sharp, and ready to go instead of cranky, disinterested and hungry?

This brings me to my next point, which is health.  As my readers know, I am a Type 1 diabetic, so eating for me is actually a necessity.  Just because I happen to have a disease that makes eating a requirement, shouldn’t others who are disease-free be allowed to eat the proper nutrients they need in a relaxed atmosphere?  Eating quickly can cause indigestion, which in turn, can cause misery for an employee.  If someone knows they only have ten minutes to get lunch, they may not spend that ten minutes pondering at the salad bar.  They will most likely pick up something pre-made and not nearly as healthy. 

And lastly, we have the stress factor.  If people feel stressed out about going to lunch, getting lunch, eating lunch quickly, they are probably causing themselves unnecessary health issues.  Stress has been linked to serious conditions like heart disease, obesity, diabetes, asthma, panic attacks, headaches and depression, to name a few.  Simply stepping away from your job for a specified period of time could really help someone in a stressful environment.  But if the break period is also stressful, there is no benefit to the employee, or the employer, for that matter.

I realize that in these times, having a job with a steady paycheck is extremely important, and taking breaks may not be seen as a wise choice.  However, I think that if your place of work enables you to take breaks without the guilt, then indulge yourself!  And if you happen to work for a company that frowns upon breaks, maybe starting a conversation with your colleagues or your human resources department might be a good way to go. 

I think we all deserve to add some enjoyment back into our days without feeling like taking a break could get you fired.  It would be great if management could start a movement in which THEY take breaks too!  Leading by example doesn’t only have to apply to the work part of the day.  If managers took noticeable breaks, that alone would encourage their employees to take breaks as well.  And then we would all be happier, healthier and more productive.

I can imagine it, but unfortunately, the trend doesn’t seem to be heading in that direction.  I remain hopeful that we all find some sort of balance to the increasingly stressful days at work.  Until then, I urge you to take your allotted ten minute lunch, walk away from your desk, and reboot. 

Socially Awkward

I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are introverts, and I am basing this on the amount of blog pieces I have read in the last year that claim, “I am introvert!  Hear me roar (or hear me whisper with my head down)!”  Apparently, being an introvert is not a unique thing.  However, different people give introverts different traits, so after combing through twenty articles, I was so confused about what an introvert actually is that I decided to stop trying to label myself something that sounds so fancy.  I don’t know whether I have the characteristics of an introvert or not.  I think I do.  But I’ll let you decide.

I usually describe myself as socially awkward.  Of course, there is the rarity of “clicking” with someone right off the bat, but I can count on one hand how many times that has happened.  So, in my adult life, making new friends hasn’t been easy. It’s weird to me to just clamber up to someone and say, “Hey, we should be friends” or “Hey-you have kids and I have kids, so that makes us BFFs, right?”  I don’t do forced friendships.  But on the flip side, although I may not introduce myself to every mom in my daughters’ classes at school, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want friendships with these women.  It just means that I find it weird to start a conversation with a stranger who I may or may not have things in common with.  For instance, if I were in a coffee shop reading a book, and across the table, there was a woman reading the same book, I would feel confident that we could have a good conversation.  Of course, I would never in a million years approach the coffee shop woman, but I’m just trying to give you some perspective.  On the other hand, if I were volunteering for craft time in a classroom with another mom, I wouldn’t feel confident that a conversation about Popsicle sticks would end in a very meaningful relationship.  For me, there has to be more than that to feel comfortable talking to someone new.

I’ve had a few people say that prior to getting to know me, they thought I was a complete bitch.  And trust me when I tell you, I definitely can be.  But I promise that I am not intentionally warding people off.  Most of the time, when I am in a room full of women I don’t know, I listen.  Not in a creepy or judgmental way, but in a “this-is-a- decent-conversation and-I-wish-I-had- something- to- add” kind of way.   Instead of adding to the conversation, I may smile, or play games on my phone, or read a book that I almost always have with me.  My point is that I am most definitely not being a bitch.  What I am being is awkward.  Though it’s not my best quality, I’m glad I can own it and laugh about it.

Most of the friendships I have now are with people who were introduced to me through someone I was already friends with.  So, I never really had to step out of my so-called box.  Although they may never have had to get past my social awkwardness, my girlfriends have gotten to know the real me and have decided to stick around.  So, does this make me an introvert?  Weirdo?  Social Leper?  I still don’t know which label truly fits.  But I have learned that with sincere friendship comes the ability to be comfortably social… without the awkward chick lurking in the shadows.

Young Love

My ten year old daughter recently let me know that she had her first crush on a boy.  The crush only lasted three days, after which, she returned to being her old “pre-crush” self, which means she continued pretending to be a cat, reading some of her favorite books, and generally acting like boys have cooties again. While the crush was short-lived, it was a very clear indication that my little girl is growing up.  I have to say that I didn’t think this moment would come for another few years, as she is a very immature ten (if that makes any sense).  But when I thought back to my own childhood, I had my first kiss (not full on making out) in the fourth grade, at ten years old.  So, with that in perspective, I guess she is not as far advanced in that area as I was, and I am a bit relieved.

My daughter has been taught that having a boyfriend is not allowed until she is much older.  Her father definitely holds a much more stringent position on this topic than I do, although I’m not far behind him when it comes to how he feels about it.  The recent “crush” became an issue to an extent, not because my daughter knew that she wasn’t at a dateable age yet, but because she thought her feelings were inappropriate.  When she initially broke the news, she said that she had a “bad thought” about a boy in class.  When she finally revealed that she had a crush, I was a little sad that she thought her feelings were “bad”.  While I had conflicting feelings about telling her that things like dating and kissing should be reserved for a boy in the very far future, I wanted her to know that having feelings about someone is okay.  The fact that she thought it was scary and bad to “like” a boy made me reconsider how to approach bigger topics that come up along these lines.  My point is that I don’t think that projecting my own fears onto my children by telling them of all the scary things about love or sex is doing anyone any good.  At the end of the day, she will feel whatever it is she feels for someone, whether I like it or not.  And because of that, I prefer that she feel confident in her feelings, rather than fearful of my reaction to them.

Young love is often overlooked by adults.  It is brushed off as, “oh, you’re young and have no idea what love is.”  But is that really true?  I remember really being in love in high school.  And that love was pure.  It didn’t have anything to do with what kind of job he had, what kind of car he drove or how much money he made.  Young couples don’t have the responsibilities that come with adult mates.  Young love doesn’t calculate things like whether or not the partner in question will be a good husband or father.  Young love doesn’t judge someone based on anything other than “I like you.  You get me.  Let’s hang out.”  So, in looking at all of the ways adults pick apart the relationships they are in, isn’t young love the purest form of love there is between couples?  Shouldn’t we, as adults, try harder not to diminish the love a young person feels simply because “they are young” and therefore, aren’t mature enough to know what love is?  Somewhere along the way, I think a lot of us lose that ability to truly see a person, and instead, take into account what the person has to offer us or what value the person will have in our future.  As we grow older, we start making lists of the qualities we look for in a partner, and by the time that list is done, we’ve created a version of a Disney prince who will forever exist only in our minds.  It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to try to remember our first loves and take a deeper look at them before judging our daughters and telling them what’s wrong, what’s right, or what’s utterly ridiculous in their teen love lives.

In particular, high school is a time when a lot of teens are feeling insecure.  It’s a time of awkwardness and wanting to fit in. Maybe I was lucky, but my love interests in high school made me feel comfortable, loved and accepted, which are very rare feelings for teenagers.  And all of that was provided by, yep, you guessed it-a boy!  Sexual encounters are bound to happen, even though we, as parents, have instructed our children otherwise.  I don’t want to have fear-induced lectures with my children about sex.  Rather, I hope to have talks with my children that are educational, but most of all, honest.  Do I want my girls to have sex at 16 (or GASP- younger)?  No, not at all.  But if they happen to be in love and make the choice to have sex, I don’t want them to be scared, or feel that they are doing something bad.  I don’t want them to feel “wrong”, like my ten year old did when she had her 3-day crush. 

Will they get their hearts broken?  Probably.  I did.  But I wouldn’t trade my early relationships for anything.  Did I give a piece of myself to certain boys?  Absolutely.  Did I get some crazy STD?  No, because I was properly educated.  I made my sexual decisions based on comfort and love-not on peer pressure or reputation.  I truly hope I can instill that same decision making ability in my girls so that they can make choices that THEY feel good about, regardless of what anyone else, including myself, thinks.

I know my opinion on this matter is most likely not a popular one.  I’ve heard women say that their children aren’t going to have sex until they reach their twenties.  Some women believe their children will follow what their religion teaches and stay virgins until married.  And while I applaud that thought, and hope my children wait to make these types of decisions, I think it’s more important to be a realist and consider the idea that our children’s love lives may not follow our wishes.  I think it’s more important to educate them in a healthy way, rather than a scary way, and hope for the best. 

Of course, my opinion on this may change as my daughters get older.  But I am going to try to make a vow to myself to not dismiss my daughters’ feelings if they happen to have crushes or fall in love at a young age.  I will try to remind myself that young love is pure and simple.  And I will try to remember that the simplicity of high school relationships is something to be valued, because as we all know, relationships only get more complicated with age.  I will also try to take into account that their love interests when they are young may actually be helping them find security and acceptance that is on a completely different level than what I can offer them as a parent.  And maybe that young love will eventually help them find what they want or don’t want in a future relationship. 

Every relationship our children enter, good or bad, will teach them something.  I just want to give them enough information so that they feel good about their choices and will be able to gracefully accept the outcomes.

Working Relationships

For those who are fans of Sex and the City, do you remember when Samantha asked Charlotte how often she was happy in her relationship?  Well, do you remember Charlotte’s answer?  If not, here it is: “Every day. Well, not all day every day but yes, every day.”

It always makes me pause when someone says that a marriage or a relationship is hard work.  I find it odd to equate a partnership to a job.  Unless what you do for money is your dream job, I seriously doubt that going to another pointless meeting at work is comparable to having a conversation with your loved one. 

I have to imagine that if you are happy in your relationship, you probably aren’t going to refer to it as hard work.  I have found that happiness makes me value what I have.  Happy people don’t generally trudge through things because it’s their job.  They usually just naturally resolve conflict and go about their day, staying positive and holding high the values of what they cherish in their lives.

Are there hard times in relationships?  Sure.  But is getting through those times considered “work”?  For that matter, if the hard times are considered “work”, should we start calling the good times “vacations”?

Maybe it’s just the negative connotation about the terminology that bothers me. Now, I’ve been divorced, so I understand that relationships aren’t perfect.  In fact, there were a few people who uttered the “marriage is hard work” to me during that specific time.  But even then, I didn’t think of my failing marriage as work, or even as something that needed to be “worked on”.  In my mind, we were just two people who weren’t ultimately compatible.  Period.  End of story.  Some relationships are successful and some aren’t.  So, when a relationship becomes “work”, is it healthy for the two people who are involved?

I think this fictitious “relationships are hard work” mantra permits couples to dismiss their issues, because it allows for excuses like, “well, everyone works at their marriage”.  And if everyone does it, then it’s normal, right? 

But let’s really get down to it. What exactly is this “work” that everyone is talking about? 

In the “marriage takes effort” camp, things like communication, being nice to each other, being thoughtful, being considerate and being affectionate are all considered things that require work when you have been in a relationship for a long time.  But when you really take a deeper look -shouldn’t we be doing these things on a daily basis as adults anyway-just to be good human beings, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship?  Do these simplicities really require effort?  Is it “work” to just say how you feel in order to communicate?  Is it “work” to accept a hug or a butt squeeze from your husband or wife?  Is it “work” to send a love text on your lunch hour to let your lover know you are thinking about him/her?   If it is “work” for you to extend the simplest pleasures that you could possibly offer the one you love, maybe you should consider being single for a while until you can do some “work” on yourself.

Sorry for the bluntness, but I am now in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, and this concept obviously upsets me, mostly because I think it is a cop out.  When I think about all of the aspects of my current relationship, both the good and the bad, the term “work” never pops into my head.  Here are some of the things we do successfully without “working at it”.

1. We communicate.  And when we don’t agree on something, we don’t “go to work”.  We listen, we accept what the other person is saying, and then we let go and move on.  And yes, sometimes, we agree to disagree and leave it at that.  But having a conversation, no matter how heated it gets, is not work-it’s just talking.
2. We are affectionate all of the time-not because it is the obligatory thing to do when you are in a partnership, but because we love each other so much that we can’t help ourselves.  Yes, we are that annoying couple who can’t help touching, hugging or kissing no matter where we are.  Is this work?  No, not even when we have long tiring days.  There are no excuses for lack of affection. Showing affection, even if it is just holding hands, is the easiest “job”in the world.
3. We are thoughtful of each other’s needs.  We both do small things to let the other one know that we are thinking about each other every day.  Is it work to remember the person you share your life with?  No.  It’s natural to want to make the people in your life happy, isn’t it? 
4. We are supportive of each other’s decisions, even if it’s not the decision that we think is best for the other person.  Is this work?  Absolutely not!  It’s a desire to see your partner happy and at their best.
5. What we have is easy.  Nothing is forced.  Nothing is bottled up.  Nothing is hidden. We are passionate about our lives together.   We are a strong couple because we don’t look at our weaknesses as hard work. 

Feeling happy and fulfilled with another human being might not be the norm anymore, which may be why so many people consider their relationships to be a second job.  Maybe what I have is extremely rare.  I find that to be a bit sad if it is true. I have no choice but to think that if a relationship can’t be natural, and it’s constantly a struggle, and you are consistently “working hard” at something, what is the point?  I know there will be people who will pass judgment and tell a divorced person that they didn’t “work” hard enough.  There will be people who think that relationships will fail if you don’t work at them. 

But my thoughts on this topic will not be swayed.

Another way to look at it is like this- at the end of a long day at the office, why should anyone come home, only to have to go back to work with their partners?  I don’t think that the success of a relationship is determined by how much work you put into it.  I think success as a couple is determined by what is already there.

*This piece was featured on BlogHer on April 10, 2015.

To Quit or Not to Quit

Nobody likes a quitter, right?  As the old adage says, quitters never win.  But what about quitting while you’re ahead?  Is there ever a time when quitting is a better decision than sticking something out?

As the end of the school year approaches, my girls tend to experience what I call year-end burnout.  Last year, around this time, both of my girls were Girl Scouts and were begging me to quit.  The year before, my oldest was taking swim class and had enough.  The year before that it was horse riding lessons.  I didn’t let them quit.  I told them that these are all things they wanted to try, and because they asked to be a part of something, they needed to finish it.  I made sure that they were aware that they didn’t have to continue once the season or class was over, but they did have to finish what they started. 

More recently, my oldest has been complaining about the book club that she is in.  The club meets twice a month, and she has to read two books a month.  It doesn’t sound like much, but when you add in school work and the theatre class that she is taking, her schedule can be a bit overwhelming.  However, I don’t know if quitting is the answer, especially since there is only about three months left.  But the issue is that she is being much more persistent about quitting than ever before.  She literally hates the book club and is falling behind in the club’s reading assignments.  And although I think that the year-end burnout is partly to blame, I can tell that she is done and most likely isn’t going to add anything of value to the club.

So, here is my dilemma.  I’ve never allowed my girls to quit anything before.  And I have given them the “you’ll be letting your team down if you quit” lecture.  But another truth is-isn’t it okay to quit something that is making you miserable?  How do I tell my children to strive for happiness, but then tell them that they can’t quit doing something that makes them unhappy?  Not to mention, people quit jobs, relationships, hobbies to pursue other things that can make them happier.  I don’t think I know one person who hasn’t quit something (or given up on something or someone) in their lifespan.  Even though it is always associated with a negative result, quitting is actually a part of life.  And maybe if you are someone who quits everything all of the time, I can see how it could be a terrible thing.  However, my children are young (seven and ten years old), and they are still trying things out.  They are going to be “finding themselves” well into their twenties.  Quitting might not always be the best choice, and may not result in happiness.  Quitting may teach them the lessons related to actions and consequences.  But it also might move them onto things they may never have started had they not quit. 

I know it sounds like I am being an advocate for quitting. And I assure you that I am not.  It’s just that this is the first time I have ever sat down and really thought about it.  I don’t think quitting should be the “go-to” solution for problems.  It really should be the last resort.  But I also don’t think that it deserves the negative connotation and shame that comes along with giving up on something.  From personal experience, I know that there are some benefits to letting something go. 

As I end this blog post, I am still unsure about what I am going to do with the book club decision for my daughter.  I hate how sad and stressed this is making her.  And because she isn’t part of a team, this really is more of a personal decision, which is making me lean towards letting her quit.  I have also thought about letting her quit, but then giving her a strong warning about being sure about something before committing to it.  But that opens up a whole different can of worms.  If I tell her that she has to be more calculated about committing to something, will that lead to commitment issues in her future?  You can see where this is going.

Because they are still young, my decisions are their decisions and choosing the right path while teaching them a life lesson is not always easy.  And the thing I keep thinking about is that I am agonizing over this small thing-a book club.  As they grow older, the subject matter will only get more complicated and harder to navigate with just pure logic and a dash of hope that they will make good choices.  So, the question in this case is-when it comes to your children, if you can’t have both, what is more important-the lessons or their happiness?

This piece was published on Mamalode on April 2, 2015.